Black and White. Saturated and void. Over abundance and lacking. Two very opposite words, two very opposite associations made with those words. Usually my MS symptoms would be characterized by ‘white’; void or lacking. There is a numbness that is usually present in various parts of my body at any given time but generally my back and stomach are consistently numb. At times, my whole body can be numb. Along with the numbness usually comes a really odd sensitivity sensation as well. I remember several months ago, at the height of a particularly uncomfortable afternoon, I actually said out loud to Le Fiance, ‘I’d rather feel anything than nothing. I’d rather feel pain than nothing.’ Be careful what you wish for.
Something viscous has been happening in my body. Now my hands have hurt off and on since I was diagnosed, so that pain and ache is nothing new to me. But when it began to increase in late May, I noticed. There were a few times, usually at night, where pain would increase to such an intense level. It would feel like it was running through my body from joint to joint. But as quickly as it came, it would be gone. This happened several times, each time increasing in severity and length. Did I think much of it? not really. Did it confuse the hell out of me? Sure. Did I do anything about it? of course not. Just a little over two weeks ago, the pain dramatically increased. And quickly. I was ok in the morning, but as the day went on, the pain grew, until around 2pm I could barely sit still. My entire body was burning and nothing gave it relief. It eventually died down by the evening, but by then I was even more exhausted than normal. This pattern lasted for several days, until I didn’t recover by the evening. I stayed in pain throughout the night and into the next morning. I only lasted a few days before calling the doctor (really quick by my standards). What I thought was going to be labeled a MS flare, wasn’t. My neurologist said ‘doesn’t sound like MS. MS usually doesn’t cause joint pain like that. Possibly more rheumatoid issues’. UGH. Even though he is probably correct about the joint pain being rheumatoid based, it still is so invalidating when I hear, ‘nope, nothing here’. Off I went to my rheumatologist. Off I went for blood work. Off I’ll go tomorrow for results.
I’m not a fan of pain, clearly, but usually I’m pretty adept at controlling it. I’ve got a good handle on getting my mind to go somewhere else when I need it to, I think that’s where I was going with that statement I made a few months ago. I thought if I felt pain, I could control it. But this is different. This is all encompassing, engulfing. It swallows you whole. It feels like your entire body is about to crack and break, or get burned alive. I’ve experienced a great deal of pain throughout my life, both physical and emotional. But nothing that is both at the same time. This is a physical feeling, that also manifests itself in emotions. I cried at the drop of a hat. I couldn’t be touched but all I wanted was a hug. The exhaustion and frustration this brought are too great for words. I thought I was doomed.
I have started to feel better, partly due to
another stupid medication Cymbalta, partly time? The pattern of pain began again yesterday however, ok until the afternoon, then woosh! It receded slightly, but I am still buzzing.
Something is off, this invisible monster is still dancing around my body in it’s costume of black and white.